In Memoriam

Today Samantha and I visited my father’s grave at Arlington National Cemetery. Since I am the only one of my siblings who lives in the area, I try to be regular about going--I generally make it about twice a year. Because his birthday falls so close to Memorial Day and Father’s Day, I usually make one of my trips around this time. I learned a couple of years ago, never to go on Memorial Day itself, as the cemetery is crowded to the gills with tourists and mourners. But it’s always a touching experience to go in the days leading up to or immediately after Memorial Day, because there are more people visiting the graves of their loved ones. Each year, the cemetery also places an American flag in front of each and every headstone, which is an amazing sight (they must have taken them down before I got there this year). As an immediate family member of someone buried there, you’re given a lifetime pass into the cemetery, which allows you to drive directly in, rather than having to walk or take a bus in with the tourists. You can therefore easily distinguish between mourners and tourists. I have found there is an unspoken camaraderie among the mourners—I have often been a recipient of a kind gesture from someone there. Today, I was looking for a vase that you can stake into the ground to hold the flowers I brought. I stopped by a couple of large bins they have set out and they were of course empty, with the high volume of visitors. I was a little discouraged, but decided my flowers just wouldn’t have any water. A woman stopped and saw me getting back into my car and yelled out that she had an extra one—she always brings her own. I was so grateful for her generosity.

I went while Ella was in school today—she has been several times and I wanted to go without the extra chatter and distraction. This was Samantha’s first time and I enjoyed going with just her.
After we spent some time at my Dad’s gravesite, I wandered a bit through that section of the cemetery. There were a few observations I wanted to share.

First, I stood in only a small section of the cemetery, and to see head stones as far as the eye can see is overwhelming. You can see in the pictures how perfectly aligned the headstones are with each other. When my Dad decided he wanted to be buried in Arlington, as a teenager I disliked the idea, partly because his burial place wouldn’t stand out—his headstone would be identical to everyone else. However, now I think it’s perfect. I like that he is numbered with those who worked to protect our country and particularly those who sacrificed their own lives for the freedom we enjoy and so often take for granted.

Second, you might have noticed in the photo with Samantha that each of the headstones has a religious symbol on it. My Dad’s has the generic Christian symbol on it, but shortly after he died we tried to determine what the symbol would be for Mormonism. Any guesses? We wandered through the cemetery looking for one, and actually there is one not too far from my Dad.

Third, as I was headed back to the car, I happened to see this grave. The beautiful, vibrant flowers caught my eye. When I looked at the headstone, I saw that the wife of a service man was buried here, and one day her husband would be buried there as well. I of course don’t know who placed those flowers there, but I pictured in my mind an elderly man placing those bright flowers on his wife’s grave, missing her on Memorial Day.

My Dad has been gone for almost 16 years, over half of my lifetime, and yet it seems like yesterday that we were saying our good-byes in the cemetery. I can't think of a better way to honor his memory than to talk about him with my children. Ella was very excited when I told her today was his birthday--she apparently announced to her pre-school class that "today is Grandpa Caylor's birthday...but he died."

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Raising Up a New Generation

I’ve been thinking recently about how Ella gets older, I continue to be amazed at how the world is shaping her into a different kid than I was. The world has changed so much in the past 25 years. First, I marvel at her technological proficiency. She is a wiz at operating our computer, figured out how to take pictures using my cell phone, operates her digital camera by herself, plays games on my Mom’s Blackberry, and enjoys working our iPods. These gadgets of course weren’t around when I was her age, but I am floored by the fact that at 4 and ½ years old, she is quite adept. I remember as a teenager/young adult giving my parents a hard time who stumbled through operating the DVD player, or surfing the internet. My kids are going to surpass me in no time with their technological prowess and I will soon be the laugh-ee.

Second, is Ella’s early awareness of protecting the environment. I wish I could take full credit for this, but she learns it in school and sees it on TV. These are issues that didn’t exist (or at least were not in the mainstream) when I was a child. Several days ago we were driving in the car and Ella explained to me that the smoke that comes out of cars is bad because it makes it hard for us to breathe. After Samantha finished a jar of baby food, Ella asked if I was going to recycle that. And she looks for litter at the park and around our yard to “to keep the earth beautiful” (I have the Dora mermaid episode to thank for that). And then she helps me to remember to bring my re-usable grocery bags into the grocery store (more on that in a moment). I find great comfort in the fact that this has entered her awareness. We try to bring it to her attention some, but she is clearly getting these messages in other places. So if she is, so are other kids, and that gives me hope that maybe we can raise a generation who will care about what we’re doing to our planet Earth.

So in light of trying to expose our kids to environmentally friendly practices, we did a fun outing this past week. I loaded the girls up in the van, along with my friend Christine and her two kids and drove up to Frederick County to visit an organic dairy farm.

We went last year and had a great time, mostly because you get to see the inner workings of a dairy farm, the kids get to feed the calves and you get to treat yourself to excellent ice cream.

(What is it with Ella and her peers not cooperating for the camera?) This farm is particularly neat because it’s the only farm in Maryland where they actually grow the crops the cows eat, milk the cows, and process and bottle the milk there on the premises. They of course don’t treat their cows with any hormones or antibiotics. The girls had a great time, and my only regret is that I didn’t get a larger bowl of ice cream.

I think our kids probably learn more from us through example than anything else. I mentioned before about my re-usable grocery bags. Part of what makes environmentalism unpopular and so hard is the inconvenience of altering your way of life for something you see no immediate benefit from. I don’t know if it’s a national craze, but at least in the DC area there has been a lot of hype about paper versus plastic. Paper is biodegradable and recyclable, but is more expensive and requires greater energy to produce. Plastic on the other hand is very cheap to produce, but is not recyclable and sits forever in landfills. So I’ve been eyeing others’ re-usable grocery bags for awhile, which a slight pang of guilt that I really should start using them. My biggest beef was that I would have these sitting around in my house and car all the time. However, I was at Sniders a couple of months ago, a local grocery store, and decided it was time to invest in some bags. I bought 4 and have been so pleased with my $4 investment. They fit so many more groceries, don't break and are easy to sling over your shoulders, making carrying groceries less cumbersome.

I fully recognize that not all of the readers of the Bowcut Bulletin share our concern about the environment (a certain younger brother springs to mind), and that’s okay, we can agree to disagree. But really and truly, give these bags a try--environmentalism aside, they are much more user friendly. And don't worry, I won't tell anyone you're being green.

On My Own... (sigh)

It seems that Brian and I have hit the pinnacle of craziness. We knew it was coming. In addition to our house selling woes, Brian has been very busy preparing for and taking depositions, which has fully consumed him. Brian represents the federal government in a case involving a group of farmers who are suing for damages to their crops after the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) sprayed to eliminate an invasive plant, called cheat grass (pictured). That’s about the extent of my knowledge about the case, but in any event it has required Brian to become intimately familiar with farming and the grand state of Idaho. We haven’t seen very much of him lately, and we won’t see any of him over the next two weeks as he will be traveling between Boise, Burly, Pocatello and Salt Lake City. This has all contributed to an eventful spring, and quite frankly, we're ready for a vacation (which ironically, will in part take place in Idaho this summer).

Saturday morning as he’s getting ready to leave for the office, I am scanning the front page of the Style section of The Washington Post. There is a picture of a glowing pregnant Angelina Jolie, who recently announced she is pregnant with twins (she’s 8 months pregnant—I don’t know how she’s concealed it this long).


Brian made some comment about the number of kids they’re racking up and I snidely responded that it’s not much of an imposition when you depend on others to help raise them. With briefcase in hand, headed out for a more than full day’s work on a Saturday, Brian responded, “you’re right—it’s not that difficult when someone else is taking care of them.” I laughed, and he asks, "wait...are you gonna blog that?"

So in anticipation of your burning questions about what I will be doing over the next two weeks, let me fill you in:

1) I will be selling a house. I will continue to strive to keep the house somewhat clean and will vacate at the drop of a hat, regardless of what we might be doing (naps, eating, showering, running on the treadmill, etc.) Saturday morning consisted of me feeding and dressing my children in the van, parked in the Starbucks parking lot. It was truly pathetic looking.
2) I will not be making dinner. Fortunately, Ella enjoys cold cereal more than anything else I cook.
3) I will be watching many movies post-eight o’clock. I have several chick flick movies I’ve wanted to see that Brian just wouldn’t stomach. He speculates that the Lifetime channel will be viewed often during his absence, but I will neither confirm nor deny it.
4) I will be further exploring the pros and cons of sending Ella to Kindergarten next year (this requires a post all of it’s own—stay tuned).
5) I will be investing some time in a good book.
6) I will be missing Brian. The house is too empty without you—hurry home.

In any event, drop me a note--I need the company.

Here is a blog Brian directed me to today:
www.mormonhusbands.blogspot.com
Notice the blog description, "A place for LDS guys whose wives are into blogging and would like a place to post every once in a while." Very funny. A support group for husbands of blogging wives.

A "Grand" Week

(I apologize in advance for the weird formatting--I'm still a blog novice.)

Grandma and Grandpa Bowcut have come and gone. We’ve had a lovely week with them. We love when they come to see us. This is why.

Jana—gets some help entertaining the kids, which was much appreciated during this busy time while Brian is preparing for an upcoming business trip. It is beyond helpful to have an extra set of hands to help with dinner or to keep Ella out of the kitchen. And as the house continues to sit on the market, they have chipped in to keep it tidy and help us with some projects. A week without having to bring Samantha to pre-school drop-off and pick-up was heavenly. They more than earn their keep.


Brian—gets a bit of a respite from taking the bus to and from the metro each day. Although not a fan in his teenage years, his father’s early waking hours are perhaps not so bad after all if they mean he gets a lift. In addition to giving him peace of mind that Jana is getting extra help at home, his father’s proclivity for frequent lawn mowing has served Brian well. Plus, he usually gets a visit downtown for lunch and secretly enjoys the customary battle of “who gets to pay for what.” Although Brian wasn’t as available as he would have liked on this trip, we got to do
some fun things together: a Nationals baseball game (in which they lost miserably), a visit to the Live Butterfly exhibit at Brookside Gardens, Ella accompanied them to the Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum, and we got to give them the grand tour of our new house (well, almost new house). (Gary, I forgot to have you upload your photos on my computer—will you send us a CD?!)



Ella-- enjoys much spoiling. She anticipates that this will happen, and thus begins the countdown one week prior to their arrival. Highlights from the week include a new paper doll book that Grandma spent hours working on with her; new butterfly stickers from the butterfly exhibit; countless games of Memory; new clothes from Gymboree; and last, but certainly not least, a new golf set (not a toy golf set mind you, but a Jack Nicklaus golf set complete with pink bag, a putter, irons and woods with accompanying covers...oh, and matching hat. Grandpa is training his future golfing partner.)

Samantha-- by far the recipient of much doting. Her grandparents are putty in her hands and one toothy smile immediately triggers a kiss or being picked up. She’s got this grandparent thing figured out already. After their visit she has become a star clapper and has almost mastered the art of imitating.

I think Samantha is already in attention withdrawal—she screamed all the way home from the airport with no one to entertain her in the back seat. Despite her grandfather’s claim that her eyes are turning brown, the blue color is holding out and will certainly triumph in the end.

Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa—come see us again soon. We love you!

The Mother of Mothers' Days

Happy Mothers’ Day to all you wonderful women in my life. It’s been a great day here in Silver Spring, despite the constant rain. The day started off with a lovely morning at church. Perhaps partly because Brian’s parents who are in town stayed home with Samantha. It made us realize what a breeze church is with one kid. The children sang to the Moms, we took home several flowers to plant in our front yard and everyone wished each other Happy Mother’s Day like it was Christmas.

When we returned home, I got over an hour nap and dinner was painstakingly prepared by Brian, Gary and Russell. It truly was scrumptious and I think their biggest mistake was making it so yummy—they’re definitely on the hook every year now. And look who else I got to spend Mother’s Day with—not very many people get to be with their Mom, Mother-in-Law and Grandma. What stellar women I’m related to.

A highlight was definitely my new iPod from Brian (thanks, babe!), just the kind of incentive I needed to up my running. Ella gave me an arm band for it and a new spiral notebook…I will explain. Ella is my kind of girl—she catalogues in her head all the things I say I need. When our car was broken into a few weeks ago, a very large bottle of water with a loose cap was knocked over, soaking a notebook I had in the car. Ella asked several days later where it was and I explained. So she tucked away in her little brain that she needed to get me a new notebook. (I just need to get a little smarter and make some comments about the new diamond earrings or camera equipment I need.)

And the most classic thing was the talking My Little Pony card Ella picked out for me. She was so pleased with that card--I thought she was going to pee her pants laughing when I opened it. We got such a kick out of her getting a kick out of it. And then as we tucked her into bed tonight, I told her what a special day I had and how much I appreciated all she did for me. In response, she says “Mom, tomorrow is not Mother’s Day. So don’t expect anything else.” Thanks, Ella.

In The Name Of Motherhood...

Brian was telling me today about a book he was flipping through in a book store with a title along the lines of “Confessions of a Mother” (he can’t remember the exact title). It’s apparently a compilation of stories/experiences of real mothers, describing crazy things they’ve done in the name of motherhood. And how even though we all do eyebrow raising things, we don’t usually disclose it. I am so grateful for women in my life who remind me that some of the extreme measures we take as mothers are not only normal, but expected. I remember Rachael once telling me how the true purpose of tinted windows on a van is so that no one can see the children you illegally left in the car while you ran into the store. And my sister who did leave the children in the car at the airport and was seriously chastised by airport security (she apparently needs tinted windows). Others who have fed their kids chocolate cake for breakfast and some who discovered at the shoe store the reason her kid kept tripping over her feet was because the shoes were two sizes too small.

I am reminded of a fabulous essay by Anna Quindlen on motherhood. One favorite part is:

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made.
They have all been enshrined in the Remember-When-Mom-Did-Hall-of-Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times
the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The
nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?" (She insisted I included that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I included that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

This always makes me laugh and gets me thinking about how many of these things I’ve done (why does the baby have to fall off the bed before you stop leaving her there unattended?) and all the things I’ve done in addition: The hiding in the closet to talk on the phone, small acts of deception (McDonald’s is known in our house as the ice cream store—a perk of raising vegetarian kids) and very loose adult supervision because I can’t put down a good book. And then there's the replay feature I’ve used on Baby Einstein to meet a work deadline, only to later lock the French doors on the office with Ella pounding on the glass. The countless food bribes and urgent potty breaks in some creative places. For those who say you have no little secrets, I don't believe you. You wouldn't survive the job if you didn't. So I ask you…what are your secrets? What crazy things have you done in the name of motherhood?

The "Sweetest" Place on Earth

Because this blog is my attempt at somewhat of a family record, I'm going to back track a couple of weeks. In order to escape another "Open House" weekend (see previous post), we headed up to Hershey, Pennsylvania...yes, that would be Chocolate World, USA. It wouldn't normally be my first choice for a get away, but it is only a 2-hour drive and friends have told us it's a great family vacation spot...lots of things for the kids to do. So after putting our finishing touches on the house Saturday morning, we packed in the van and headed up to PA. We lucked out with fabulous weather and made our first stop at the zoo. Being so spoiled with the National Zoo in DC, it's hard to take other zoos seriously, but Ella always enjoys seeing any type of animal and it was small enough that it only took us a couple of hours to get through. After lunch at the zoo we quickly headed over to the Hershey Lodge where we were staying so Brian could make his golf lesson. Due to an error on their part, Brian's group lesson turned into a 1-hour private lesson with a professional golfer. Sweet! In the mean time, the girls and I sampled some much needed chocolate and headed to one of the planned activities at the Lodge: the Kiss Hunt. It turned out to be a lame scavenger hunt throughout the entire hotel, which would be rewarded by a chocolate bar at the end. A chocolate bar was not nearly enough incentive to drag two tired kids through the hotel looking for clues on paper hershey kisses. Several rests were needed and we only made it to the third clue!

The third clue was located at the swimming pool, which was simply too enticing--so we called it quits and met up with Brian there. Ella hasn't really been swimming since last summer, so she was a little rusty on her swimming skills, but jumping into Dad is really what the pool is all about anyway.

We actually didn't hit any of the major Hershey sites, which was more than okay--the pool and miniature golf were more than enough to keep us occupied for the weekend.

If you haven't ever read Eloise, it is a total hoot. Anne sent Eloise in Paris to Ella for Christmas, and she periodically incorporates Eloise-isms into her daily life. (I am often referred to as "Cherie".) So Ella and I are in the shower Sunday morning at the hotel and she states that we must put towels on our heads like Eloise, her "Nahnee", Weenie the dog, and pet turtle. I was amused at how she related us in the hotel to Eloise's trip in Paris. Anyway, we threw out as many French words as we knew with our towels on our heads, and got ready for the day.

Some of Eloise's words actually turned out to be fitting for the day.
"You have to be content with everything in France
for instance if you want a jelly bean
you can have almond paste instead
or if you want the sun you can have pluie (rain)"

Rain is indeed what we ended up with. We headed to the Hershey Gardens where they have a darling children's garden. We took our time letting Ella play in the garden, not really paying attention to the dark clouds looming overhead.

Before we knew it, we were caught in a down pour and were quite far from the car. I wish I had an after shot to the picture below, because we were soaking wet. Some kind woman gave me her umbrella while I ran with Samantha under my jacket, screaming all the way. Brian pushed Ella in the stroller, and we made it to the gift shop absolutely soaking wet. But we did manage a picture while the sun was out (minus cooperation from Ella).

Hats off to Hershey, PA--indeed a great weekend trip with the kids, but next time I'm in Hershey, it will definitely be for a girls' spa weekend.

Our problem

We have a small problem. Our house is causing us a bit of angst. Here is our house in February:

(Yes, that sign says "Under Contract")

Here is our house today:

You may be thinking, "you have the pictures reversed, Jana." Oh, how I wish. February picture was taken after having the house on the market for SIX days. We had multiple offers, got over our listing price...we were flying high. So we went and bought a new house. How excited we were. Then our buyers decided to take a job overseas. Broke the contract, just like that. So here we are, selling our house, AGAIN. Been on the market for three weeks, and because our house is on the market during the time of year with the highest inventory, we still have a "For Sale" sign out front. And we've promised to still buy the new house. We have loved our little Silver Spring house--it will always hold a place in our hearts as our first home. But we are moving on, and quite frankly, we'd really like to see it go. Don't worry, we'll keep you posted. There will be much celebrating on the Bowcut Bulletin when our little abode is in the hands of some new owners.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Ella and I made homemade pizza for dinner the other night. She is my sidekick in the kitchen(sometimes fun, other times a frustration). With pizza, she helps me roll out the dough and then assemble it. After the girls were in bed and I was cleaning up, I went to retrieve my wedding rings on the window sill since I take them off when working with the dough, and this is what I saw:

That sweet girl had taken off her little plastic heart ring and placed it next to mine. Not out of necessity of course, but because that's what Mom does when she's rolling out dough. Just a little reminder that kids watch us parents constantly--especially when we're not noticing.

A Sister

My book group just read “My Sister’s Keeper” by Jodi Picoult, which was truly an enjoyable, thought-provoking read. The book has pervaded my thoughts over the past week; here is a brief synopsis: Thirteen-year old Anna was born to save her sister’s life. Conceived in a test tube, Anna is a close genetic match to Kate, enabling her to provide blood, marrow, and other tissues to Kate, who was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia at age 2. Therefore, whenever Kate in the hospital, Anna is there, too. Anna was first intended to be used only for her cord blood, but as Kate goes through several relapses over the years, Anna continues to provide whatever blood/tissue was needed.

Kate ultimately begins to develop kidney failure and is in need of a donor kidney. Anna decides she has had enough and files a lawsuit against her parents, in an attempt to obtain medical emancipation from them. The book centers on this lawsuit, with each chapter written from the perspective of a different character, allowing the reader a glimpse of each side of the debate. The book brings up interesting questions about the ethics of a designer baby created to save another child’s life, and what rights that child has to his/her own medical decisions.

Although the novel brings up flashbacks of Kate and Anna’s early childhood, it doesn’t discuss what their relationship is like at the point of the lawsuit. I kept wondering what Kate thinks about her sister’s refusal to provide her a kidney. How must she feel that her sister whom she loves so much is sentencing her to death? As Kate enters the late stages of renal failure, how can Anna be so heartless as to not give in? And why doesn’t Anna ever explain to Kate why she won’t donate a kidney? I wondered throughout the book when the two would confront the issue and how Anna would explain it to Kate.

These questions are answered at the end of the book (don’t worry, I won’t give away the entire ending—this is really only a small part of it)-- the day before Anna hires an attorney, Kate has asked Anna to not give her the kidney. Kate knows she will die without it and has decided to give up the long fight and die. In actuality, Anna would have given her the kidney in an instant, but loves her sister so dearly as to grant her this last wish. Her parents, wanting to do whatever is necessary to keep Kate alive, are the only obstacle to giving Kate this wish, meaning Anna, as a minor, must obtain medical emancipation from them.

I’ve been thinking about this powerful bond between sisters. Siblings are truly our life partners—our parents will leave us as we age, and our spouses don’t enter our lives until well after our childhood. Siblings are with you for life (my dear friend Anne Gavin once said to me, “siblings are the only people in the world who truly know how crazy your parents are.”) —and sisters seem to cling more tightly together through it. For this reason, no one can make me madder than my own sister (I once gave Jennifer the silent treatment in a U-Haul from Peoria, Illinois to Portland, Oregon), yet there isn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do for her. She has always been my biggest cheerleader, confidante and dearest friend. As I look back on our lives it's easy to see how this bond developed and is sustained--sharing a bedroom through most of our childhood, late night giggling and talking, playing make-believe games in the woods, sharing clothes, cross-country trips to see each other, long (often late-night, delirious) phone conversations, taking care of each other post-babies, etc.

And then I look at my two beautiful girls—they’ve only just begun their voyage together as sisters. I am struck at how early this bond forms. Their love for me is already distinctly different than their love for each other.

When Samantha was 3 months old, she already recognized there was something intrinsically different about Ella—her gaze was frequently locked on Ella, and her first real laugh was brought on by Ella’s antics. And then this evening Samantha sat on Ella’s lap for about ten minutes simply stroking her face. Given that Samantha is so young and their communication and interaction is limited right how, how is it that they already recognize this important relationship in their lives? I love that my girls have each other--yes, I hope we'll add a boy to the mix some day, but I can't think of a better gift for each of them than a sister.